Damaged...

Single. Ok today was not a good day. I was happy to celebrate Mother's Day with my mom, but as my own personal life continues unraveling, one scenario after the next, doubts and fears begin to creep into my thoughts. Actually the past few weeks haven't been going as well as I would have liked. *kicking myself* But the damage is done. Ultimately I have to learn and grow from these issues. More to come.

Will He Stick Around when the Dust Settles?

There's a certain heavy anxiety that comes when being tested for STDs. Even when you're not sexually active or heavily sexually active, there's still a bit of anxiety like somehow, the silent virus got you anyway. I felt that way today as my doctor asked me if I wanted to be tested for STDs. It was a anxiety like, "OH MY, what if...". The anxiety shouldn't be there because I've been tested a number of times. My blood is analyzed every which way because I have lupus, but even so, the anxiety exists. It's ironic, that the same anxiety doesn't exist when you're in the heat of the moment though. Human nature is a beast. Last night, on Grey's Anatomy something McSteamy said to me really hit home. He told McDreamy's new girlfriend Rose that the only reason she wasn't giving it up was because she was afraid the guy wouldn't stick around afterwards - after the sex was over and life continues on... That statement really resonated with me. There's a certain anxiety surrounding physical intimacy, particularly if the friendship isn't tight and solidified before you sleep with a person. When you share so much, so fast with a person and you trust them and you bond in this extremely chemical, physical, sexual, kinetic way, you wonder... ponder... and sometimes agonize over whether they will be there when the dust settles.

In many of my blogs I've written on the idea of emotional cords. When you connect with someone physically, then whether you like it or not, you've formed an emotional cord with that person and it takes time for that cord to be completely severed if the relationship isn't working and you want out. Your body is affected. Your mind is affected and even your heart is affected whether you thought there was a possibility for love, like, more sex, or just companionship. This is where the idea of rebound relationships - sexual and otherwise - enters the picture. When we don't cut cords we bounce around searching for other conquests so we can hang on to the feeling we had with Person A, instead of cutting cords so we can start anew.

I must admit McSteamy had a point last night. Sometimes the risk is too much to bear... Whether I'm waiting for STD results or wondering if he'll be around in the morning... It's all a big gamble. And I don't like gambling with my heart (or my body). I've only got one and its bruised enough.

Liar, Liar: Pants on Fire!!

I’ve been extremely quiet lately. In addition to finishing up finals in two days, I’ve totally exhausted myself and more than likely, it will take me the entire summer to get some much needed rest. Lately I haven’t minded being single so much until I’m challenged by those deemed unworthy – a live-in girlfriend over here, a pregnant ex-girlfriend over there, a crazy person next door. The old adage is that the energy we put off, we get back. Well, I must be putting off some stinkin thinkin energy lately because I’ve found myself surrounded by imbeciles. But the good news is… I’m done with my counseling psychology coursework. Now I need to get through my comprehensive exam, directed study, and internship and I’ll walk proudly in December. All of the hard work, sacrifice and commitment has paid off tremendously.
Now I can enjoy being single in the city. Many of my nights will be free and you will find me dancing under the moonlit sky, getting dressed up to the nines to go out for a drink, and furiously typing my directed study on lupus and hypnosis on weekends and some weekdays. Life is great. Stay tuned for more drama as it unfolds.

As an aside, I did go running Sunday for the first time EVER outdoors with a hottie who shall remain nameless. The fond memories of that outing overtakes the pain and burning sensations in my legs…