And even in SingleVille, I still think about the things I want in a man… Let’s be real. I never said I wanted to be single forever (though sometimes the idea has merit). When I was in high school, I wrote a constitution of all the things a guy I dated had to have to be with me. I think #98 was that my guy had to like BBQ spare ribs. #2 was that my mom had to like him. #37 - I don’t remember, but I would imagine it had something to do with the way he held his pencil in class. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Since then I’ve dropped the ball a million times over when it came to men. I’ve dated people against my better judgment. I’ve compromised when I knew it wasn’t right to give in. I’ve been silent when I should have screamed. I’ve been screaming when I should have walked away. I’ve tried to mold myself into who they wanted me to be. And then finally I wised up and started realizing that if there’s dissonance at the beginning, then the resolve isn’t going to come because I’m fighting to make it work due to my own fear of failure. The resolve comes from being wise enough to accept the things I can not change. And the one thing I have not done recently is to sit down and really think about who I would be in a relationship if I met Mr. Right tomorrow. That’s a scary thought. LOL. He might be ducking for cover for all the darts I’d have to throw at him to make sure he could handle the tough times. But then he’d be basking in the glow of the greatest love he’s ever known. And that, I am sure of. Because there’s nothing more powerful than a woman who knows herself. There’s nothing more powerful than a woman who is passionately living, not just existing.
Many people ask me, why do you get so personal on your blogs? Why do you choose to document this part of your life? And I have two responses: 1. Because it helps me keep track of my thoughts and feelings as I move through the year. 2. So that in some small way, this blog helps other people find benefit in exploring their inner selves.
So to end all speculation (I’ve been asked literally 111 times in the past three months and that’s no joke) I’m going to present to the world what Joy wants in a man… I can only describe it. That deafeningly silent sound of ecstasy after a hard day’s work when you come home and you realize that no matter the chaos and calamity outside, love is there inside filling you with a spirit of peace and joy.
He is…
The one that asks, “What are you reading” instead of “When am I staying over?”
The one that says, “I’ve got an idea” instead of shrugging his shoulders.
The one who is relentless in getting the job done in spite of the many obstacles he may face.
The one who will ask for directions (or invest in a navigator) because his ego doesn’t get in the way.
The one whose knowledge of current events extends past who won the game last night.
The one who cares enough about his body not to abuse it.
The one who does not find endless excuses not to attend church but instead finds peace in spirituality and oneness with something higher than himself, whether he attends church or not.
The one who can teach me something because he sees that knowledge is power
The one who can make a difference with me instead of pointing out all of my many differences from him.
The one who loves in spite of, instead of in expectation of a form of payment.
The one who brings peace, not a power struggle.
The one who is beautifully flawed, not unnaturally flawless.
The one who studies me like history and physics and biochemistry because he wants to understand my personhood, not just my physical appearance.
The one that makes me scream like the Herbal Essence commercial – YES!
The one that inspires me in his daily walk.
The one who makes me sang Etta, and Patti, and Ella, and Shug, and Billie, and Gladys, and Aretha, and Toni, and Mariah, and even Whitney because I’m his supastar.
The one that makes me throw up my fist like a radical because loving him is a revolution.
Fortunately, I’m not thinking about it right now… LOL. But seriously, many people have asked me about this ideal mate, regardless of my current status, regardless of my protests, so there you have it, signed, sealed and delivered. And I bet y’all inquirers still won’t be satisfied. Still, do me a huge favor: Don’t ask again. Lol.
When A Woman Loves a Man
By David Lehman
When she says margarita she means daiquiri.
When she says quixotic she means mercurial. [as an aside quixotic means “extravagantly chivalrous or romantic”; mercurial means “Having the characteristics of eloquence, shrewdness, swiftness, and thievishness attributed to the god Mercury”]
And when she says, "I'll never speak to you again,"
she means, "Put your arms around me from behind
as I stand disconsolate at the window."
He's supposed to know that.
When a man loves a woman he is in New York and she is in Virginia
or he is in Boston, writing, and she is in New York, reading,
or she is wearing a sweater and sunglasses in Balboa Park and he
is raking leaves in Ithaca
or he is driving to East Hampton and she is standing disconsolate
at the window overlooking the bay
where a regatta of many-colored sails is going on
while he is stuck in traffic on the Long Island Expressway.
When a woman loves a man it is one ten in the morning
she is asleep he is watching the ball scores and eating pretzels
drinking lemonade
and two hours later he wakes up and staggers into bed
where she remains asleep and very warm.
When she says tomorrow she means in three or four weeks.
When she says, "We're talking about me now,"
he stops talking. Her best friend comes over and says,
"Did somebody die?"
When a woman loves a man, they have gone
to swim naked in the stream
on a glorious July day
with the sound of the waterfall like a chuckle
of water rushing over smooth rocks,
and there is nothing alien in the universe.
Ripe apples fall about them.
What else can they do but eat?
When he says, "Ours is a transitional era,"
"that's very original of you," she replies,
dry as the martini he is sipping.
They fight all the time
It's fun
What do I owe you?
Let's start with an apology
Ok, I'm sorry, you dickhead.
A sign is held up saying "Laughter."
It's a silent picture.
"I've been f***** without a kiss," she says,
"and you can quote me on that,"
Which sounds great in an English accent.
One year they broke up seven times and threatened to do it
another nine times.
When a woman loves a man, she wants him to meet her at the
airport in a foreign country with a jeep.
When a man loves a woman he's there. He doesn't complain that
she's two hours late
and there's nothing in the refrigerator.
When a woman loves a man, she wants to stay awake.
She's like a child crying
at nightfall because she didn't want the day to end.
When a man loves a woman, he watches her sleep, thinking:
as midnight to the moon is sleep to the beloved.
A thousand fireflies wink at him.
The frogs sound like the string section
of the orchestra warming up.
The stars dangle down like earrings the shape of grapes.
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