What the World Needs Now...

Oh how rare it is to have a stimulating, titillating conversation! It's almost better than sex (and sex really does begin with the mind). There is an art to conversation. Giving and receiving, listening and talking, nonverbal and verbal cues. Just as there is an art to sex or romance or writing a paper if you will. When done right, it can be a thing of beauty; when messed over, it is chaotic and painful to muddle through. Over the past days as I move deeper into the spring, I have had some terrific conversations, the kind over which I was dying for daily. I was so thirsty and didn't realize I was parched and needed the nourishment of that deep well of powerful words and connection. When a person has to dig into their deeper self, into those higher mental thought processes to communicate, its orgasmic. We exist on automatic pilot with the "hi, how are you", "The weather is...", "Whats for lunch", "I bought a Gucci bag".... until we forget the power and the stimulation of words and thoughts and feelings. Of just communicating. Of building. Of inspiring. Of delving deeply into the deep recesses of our own personal information superhighway. Finding someone with which to share dreams and goals and thoughts and fears is a breathtaking (albeit nerve racking) experience. Particularly when it's not just talking, but rather communicating deeply and meaningfully over and over in a delectable and insatiable cycle of intimate connection and rapture.

Did you know you can begin to save the world through one powerful conversation and connection... Now that's the building blocks of dare I say, LOVE (in all languages), which is what the world needs now...

Got a drug for Spring Fever?

Birds are chirping.
Trees are coming alive.
Ducks are mating.
Dogs are barking.
The sun is up till 8p.m.
And suddenly we’re all showing more skin…
It’s here. Spring is here. With a vengeance.

In other news, it’s becoming increasingly hard to stay single now that spring has arrived. I think in winter when its cold, a person wants to be inside where it’s warm and cozy and it’s much easier to stay single, but once spring hits and spring fever infects many people, ideas of lust and like and love start to bloom. Staying on the path is tough, particularly when your mind starts to wonder about that certain person or persons who keep shooting attention your way. Reality hits. Will you make it through the spring and summer and hold on to the freedom you declared at the beginning of 08? Or, four months into the year, will you break and allow yourself to get swept away into some romance?

I’ll keep you posted on what happens. Anyone who knows me knows I love the idea of surprises; but an actual surprise such as a guy popping out of nowhere and turning my head is definitely not my thing lol.

One of the most important parts of being happily single is filling life with all types of meaningful hobbies, interests, and causes. I wrote the blog last week on how important it is to be revolutionary in mindset and action. We can’t wait for life to come to us; we have to make things happen. So in the spirit of making things happen, I’m getting heavily involved this summer in two things I really want to do: Golf and martial arts.

Both golf and martial arts are activities I can master on an individual level that will aid in personal development. Learning something new such as golf and martial arts is an opportunity to compete with myself and learn to master something physical and active. That’s important in an overweight, overworked, over anxious society. Plus it takes the mind off the endless meat market that is the singles scene (oh so unattractive)…

That darn spring fever…

You're asking me to do what?

Over the past couple of months I’ve been thinking about what issues I’m really passionate about as a young person living in America. There are a plethora of battles to fight and the media enjoys telling us what issues should be important to us – currently the Clinton/Obama bickering, gas prices, foreclosures, and the latest celebrity breakups. Frankly, the media spotlight keeps us heavily sedated with 10 second soundbytes and endless punditry, which spawns cheeky conversations around the water cooler instead of action oriented drives to truly make a difference. I’m not as concerned about who’s picking up the red phone at 3a.m., Senator Clinton, as I am about making significant change.

Before Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated 40 years ago, April 4th, 1968, he was planning a Poor People’s campaign, a new phase of the Civil Rights movement. Many people, including myself, were not made aware of that campaign until recently. King saw poverty as a major issue sweeping the globe. Poverty reaches across color lines. The Poor People’s Campaign was to culminate in a March on Washington demanding economic aid to the poorest peoples of America. King strived to create a diverse, multiracial army of people empowered to fight for a poor people’s bill of rights (Economic Bill of Rights). Under the Economic Bill of Rights the campaign asked for $30 Billion anti-poverty package creating housing, jobs, and guaranteed annual income for America’s impoverished. The Economic Bill of Rights did not make it through Congress. This Poor People’s Campaign is an example of a revolutionary movement. King was a visionary with his finger on the pulse of the community, not the pulse of Washington.

We’re electing leaders who do not have their fingers on the pulse of the community. They do not live in the community. They do not work in the community. They do not venture into the community until its time for reelection. They did not elect to set up shop in the community, as Obama did, as a community organizer empowering people to find jobs, eliminate crime and gangs, and rally for better schools. They are out of place and out of touch, yet we, who are supposed to be an “enlightened” people, continue to make ignorant decisions concerning our country’s future progress.

King’s Poor People’s Campaign resonates today as global poverty grows. We live in a global community and it’s essential that everyone understands that fact. One in seven people in the world goes to bed hungry. Nearly 1 Billion people live in substandard housing without access to clean water, adequate sanitation or food. The United Nations reports that the number of slum dwellers worldwide will increase to 2 Billion within the next 30 years. When the AIDS statistics are mentioned in conjunction with the poverty statistics, we enter calamitous territory. http://www.one.org/issues/ There are many here in the US who have lost their jobs, can not find jobs, and can not pay the mortgage. There are houses without books in them, without food, without basic water, electricity, and other utilities we take for granted. We have a global crisis and the gap between rich and poor continues to widen. That economic divide knows no color or race or ethnicity or gender. Poverty does not discriminate.

In thinking about issues that resonate with me, global poverty and disease (which run comorbid) are among my top ten issues for change. When I come home to my cozy little apartment, I think about the little girl, age 7, living in FEMA toxic housing outside of New Orleans who has developed asthma due to her living conditions. When I open a bottle of water, I think about the little boy in sub-Saharan Africa who walks 5 miles one way every morning to gather water for his family. His mother died of AIDS a year ago and he cares for his 5-year old sister and grandmother who both are stricken with the disease. There is little food and little access to adequate medicines. We have a major global catastrophe on our hands and we’ve become numb. What will it take for us to wake up?

P.S. If any of you are wondering about what this has to do with my journey through Singleville, you’re missing the point. Being an advocate for change is a HUMAN responsibility.

The ONE Campaign - http://www.one.org/ - Wear a White Band today. Make a difference. ONE is Americans of all beliefs and every walk of life - united as ONE - to help make poverty history.
Oxfam - http://www.oxfam.org/ - Oxfam International is a confederation of 13 organizations working together with over 3,000 partners in more than 100 countries to find lasting solutions to poverty and injustice.
Friends of New Orleans - http://www.friendsofneworleans.org/ - Friends of New Orleans is a private, nonprofit, nonpartisan, membership organization that provides a vehicle for people in the US and abroad who care about this region, to declare their support and get involved.
Join Red - http://www.joinred.com/manifesto/ - (RED), created by Bono (U2 singer and activist) and Bobby Shriver, is a brand designed to engage business and consumer power in the fight against AIDS in Africa. (RED) works with the world's best brands to make unique (PRODUCT) RED-branded products and direct up to 50% of their gross profits to the Global Fund to invest in African AIDS programs with a focus on the health of women and children. (RED) is not a charity or "campaign". It is an economic initiative that aims to deliver a sustainable flow of private sector money to the Global Fund. (PRODUCT) RED launched on March 1, 2006 in the UK and on October 13th, 2006 in the US. Current product partners include Converse, Gap, Motorola, Emporio Armani, Apple, Hallmark, Dell, Microsoft and American Express (UK only). Since its launch in March 2006, more than $100 million has been generated by (RED) partners and events for the Global Fund. (RED) money is already at work on the ground in Africa, providing antiretroviral treatment for HIV positive individuals, funding HIV prevention programs, feeding and educating children orphaned by AIDS and providing the low-cost treatments needed to reduce the risk of transmission of HIV from mother to child. There are currently more than 45,000 people on ARV’s (antiretroviral medication) in Ghana, Swaziland and Rwanda due to support from funds from the Global Fund and (RED). Lesotho has just been announced as the newest (RED) grant country.

#98 - My Guy Must Like Spare Ribs

And even in SingleVille, I still think about the things I want in a man… Let’s be real. I never said I wanted to be single forever (though sometimes the idea has merit). When I was in high school, I wrote a constitution of all the things a guy I dated had to have to be with me. I think #98 was that my guy had to like BBQ spare ribs. #2 was that my mom had to like him. #37 - I don’t remember, but I would imagine it had something to do with the way he held his pencil in class. Do you see where I’m going with this?

Since then I’ve dropped the ball a million times over when it came to men. I’ve dated people against my better judgment. I’ve compromised when I knew it wasn’t right to give in. I’ve been silent when I should have screamed. I’ve been screaming when I should have walked away. I’ve tried to mold myself into who they wanted me to be. And then finally I wised up and started realizing that if there’s dissonance at the beginning, then the resolve isn’t going to come because I’m fighting to make it work due to my own fear of failure. The resolve comes from being wise enough to accept the things I can not change. And the one thing I have not done recently is to sit down and really think about who I would be in a relationship if I met Mr. Right tomorrow. That’s a scary thought. LOL. He might be ducking for cover for all the darts I’d have to throw at him to make sure he could handle the tough times. But then he’d be basking in the glow of the greatest love he’s ever known. And that, I am sure of. Because there’s nothing more powerful than a woman who knows herself. There’s nothing more powerful than a woman who is passionately living, not just existing.

Many people ask me, why do you get so personal on your blogs? Why do you choose to document this part of your life? And I have two responses: 1. Because it helps me keep track of my thoughts and feelings as I move through the year. 2. So that in some small way, this blog helps other people find benefit in exploring their inner selves.

So to end all speculation (I’ve been asked literally 111 times in the past three months and that’s no joke) I’m going to present to the world what Joy wants in a man… I can only describe it. That deafeningly silent sound of ecstasy after a hard day’s work when you come home and you realize that no matter the chaos and calamity outside, love is there inside filling you with a spirit of peace and joy.

He is…

The one that asks, “What are you reading” instead of “When am I staying over?”

The one that says, “I’ve got an idea” instead of shrugging his shoulders.

The one who is relentless in getting the job done in spite of the many obstacles he may face.

The one who will ask for directions (or invest in a navigator) because his ego doesn’t get in the way.

The one whose knowledge of current events extends past who won the game last night.

The one who cares enough about his body not to abuse it.

The one who does not find endless excuses not to attend church but instead finds peace in spirituality and oneness with something higher than himself, whether he attends church or not.

The one who can teach me something because he sees that knowledge is power

The one who can make a difference with me instead of pointing out all of my many differences from him.

The one who loves in spite of, instead of in expectation of a form of payment.

The one who brings peace, not a power struggle.

The one who is beautifully flawed, not unnaturally flawless.

The one who studies me like history and physics and biochemistry because he wants to understand my personhood, not just my physical appearance.

The one that makes me scream like the Herbal Essence commercial – YES!

The one that inspires me in his daily walk.

The one who makes me sang Etta, and Patti, and Ella, and Shug, and Billie, and Gladys, and Aretha, and Toni, and Mariah, and even Whitney because I’m his supastar.

The one that makes me throw up my fist like a radical because loving him is a revolution.

Fortunately, I’m not thinking about it right now… LOL. But seriously, many people have asked me about this ideal mate, regardless of my current status, regardless of my protests, so there you have it, signed, sealed and delivered. And I bet y’all inquirers still won’t be satisfied. Still, do me a huge favor: Don’t ask again. Lol.

When A Woman Loves a Man

By David Lehman

When she says margarita she means daiquiri.
When she says quixotic she means mercurial. [as an aside quixotic means “extravagantly chivalrous or romantic”; mercurial means “Having the characteristics of eloquence, shrewdness, swiftness, and thievishness attributed to the god Mercury”]
And when she says, "I'll never speak to you again,"
she means, "Put your arms around me from behind
as I stand disconsolate at the window."

He's supposed to know that.

When a man loves a woman he is in New York and she is in Virginia
or he is in Boston, writing, and she is in New York, reading,
or she is wearing a sweater and sunglasses in Balboa Park and he
is raking leaves in Ithaca
or he is driving to East Hampton and she is standing disconsolate
at the window overlooking the bay
where a regatta of many-colored sails is going on
while he is stuck in traffic on the Long Island Expressway.

When a woman loves a man it is one ten in the morning
she is asleep he is watching the ball scores and eating pretzels
drinking lemonade
and two hours later he wakes up and staggers into bed
where she remains asleep and very warm.

When she says tomorrow she means in three or four weeks.
When she says, "We're talking about me now,"
he stops talking. Her best friend comes over and says,
"Did somebody die?"

When a woman loves a man, they have gone
to swim naked in the stream
on a glorious July day
with the sound of the waterfall like a chuckle
of water rushing over smooth rocks,
and there is nothing alien in the universe.

Ripe apples fall about them.
What else can they do but eat?
When he says, "Ours is a transitional era,"
"that's very original of you," she replies,
dry as the martini he is sipping.

They fight all the time
It's fun
What do I owe you?
Let's start with an apology
Ok, I'm sorry, you dickhead.
A sign is held up saying "Laughter."

It's a silent picture.
"I've been f***** without a kiss," she says,
"and you can quote me on that,"
Which sounds great in an English accent.

One year they broke up seven times and threatened to do it
another nine times.

When a woman loves a man, she wants him to meet her at the
airport in a foreign country with a jeep.
When a man loves a woman he's there. He doesn't complain that
she's two hours late
and there's nothing in the refrigerator.

When a woman loves a man, she wants to stay awake.
She's like a child crying
at nightfall because she didn't want the day to end.

When a man loves a woman, he watches her sleep, thinking:
as midnight to the moon is sleep to the beloved.
A thousand fireflies wink at him.
The frogs sound like the string section
of the orchestra warming up.
The stars dangle down like earrings the shape of grapes.

The Rise of the Joyocracy... I'm not a YES woman.

I hate being called bossy or “bitchy” by a man when he doesn’t get want he wants from me. I’m called “nice” when I have given up the digits; “patient” for not calling him out on his indiscretions; “sweet” when he calls at 12:01 a.m. in the morning and I’m not cussing him out; “kind” when I give sound advice; “warm and hospitable” when I play hostess at my home; “priceless” when doing all of the above. And on and on and on. But, let me put my foot down and its “bitch.” News flash: Contrary to the kindness I expressed above, I am not, nor will I ever be a “yes” woman. The people on whose backs I stand every day fought tirelessly, and painfully, and gave their lives so that I would not have to be a “yes” woman/person to survive in this society. And now, some brotha or any man for that matter wants to label me because I say the famed words, “No” to one of his long, drawn out list of requests. You may be the descendant of kings but this is a democracy and I’m upholding my personal constitution, Article 3.6.5. Which statutes that:

365 days a year, 24 hours per day, I will manifest my own destiny, free from the bonds of mental, emotional, physical, sexual, environmental, or technological slavery; this is not subject to change regardless of who may enter my life. I declare my independence from the labels, limitations, and expectations of other people.

Man (because by any other name would reek of sourness) - In case you missed all of the things I said “yes” to let me remind you: I said “yes” to getting to know you; “yes” to opening my house up to you; “yes” to going out to dinner with you; “yes” to entertaining you; “yes” to exposing my vulnerabilities to you; “yes” to hearing about your workday; “yes” to being the best friend I could be to you within my capabilities – but when I say “no” (as Beyonce sings on her first album), it’s like I never said “yes.” All of the times I said “yes” are erased by the one time I said “no.” And when I say “no” you try to lump me into a category with all other bitter, man-hating women.

As a single person, freedom is crucial to my personal walk. We have so many things which bind us – gas, taxes, bills, work, just to name a few – that we have to grab for every shroud of time we get to enjoy just being free. When someone tries to take my freedom away by labeling me because I don’t fit into their mold - whether it be as a “yes” woman or a submissive woman or just a human - then I’m not going to back down from the fight. After all, this is the fight of my life. So bring it on.

A Girl's Gotta Eat, but there's still a few things She can Live Without!

So I was on a mission yesterday, so much so that I forgot to title my blog. I’ve been thinking of titles for my blog and the one that sticks to me clearly is “No kids, a House, and a Car does not make you a Supastar.” LOL.

So instead of doing Tuesday Travel today, I’ve got to rap a bit on a class discussion last night. Group counseling just got steamy. As we practice becoming the best psychologists we can be, our 12-person class breaks up into 2 small groups and meets during the class period to simulate what a group counseling session would be like in real life. Long story short. I have never laughed so hard in my life. The topic: sex. As a young person, I feel like I have plenty of time to have all of the horizontal or vertical or diagonal relations I want so keeping a lid on it is pretty simple particularly when I’m unchallenged. But as I listened to the older voice in the group school talk about her own personal needs and desires particularly entering the dating scene as a middle-aged woman, I suddenly realized something quite profound: As highly advanced, intelligent, gifted we are, at the end of the day we are still deeply, innately primitive. Those basic needs at the bottom of Maslow’s famous hierarchy – food, air, water, sex, shelter, sleep – still reign over us even as we advance as a society. When we see an attractive person, we are automatically drawn to that person chemically and many times we react physically. We have to have water, food, and if we go without sleep for too long the body revolts. Those deep desires, drives, and wants at the root of who we are doesn’t diminish as we get older, though our bodies just can’t keep up even as medicine and research continues to advance. From the first human beings who walked the earth long ago, we have long been plagued with tackling the deep desires of our most primitive natures.

So thinking about the hierarchy of needs: I have food down pat along with air, water, shelter, and sleep (though I could stand to get more of it). But it’s the other one, dare I say it, sex, which is so pervasive. Maslow felt that unfilled needs on the various tiers of the ladder would prevent persons from reaching the ultimate pinnacle which is that self-actualization. So if I’m not getting any (+the other needs), then according to Maslow, I’m not going to truly experience safety and security, love and belongingness, complete self esteem/confidence, and ultimately, self-actualization and authenticity. I may be oversimplifying it, but truly that’s Maslow’s point.

So what to do about it – because some people aren’t moving up the ladder whether they are filled with all the needs at the bottom or not. I say we take care of the needs we can control and diminish the ones we can’t and speed head first toward self-actualization. Screw sex, I wanna self-actualize!