So I had an uneventful weekend in singleville. It seems that old ghosts stir when things are uneventful; and then there is the hint of change on the wind whispering that it’s about to take hold whether I like it or not. I’ve always been – and I can admit this openly – a controller. My intention is not to control people, but rather the outcome of certain events. I enjoy having a plan and knowing that my week is going to go a certain way, a scheduled way. So it goes without saying that I know each day what I am doing. It’s a must. Juggling work and graduate school as well as personal goals requires a schedule. Deviating from the schedule happens and I flow sometimes resistantly, sometimes willfully, sometimes nonchalantly to the change. Perhaps that’s another reason I’m single. I accept not knowing everything, nor is that an ambition of mine (I do exist in reality). But what I can’t accept is being treated less than I deserve or compromising because I’m “supposed” to for the sake of getting and keeping a man. It’s often an unwritten law that women are to change their lives to fit to into the mold of men who enter their lives romantically. But I have a set schedule. A set schedule for most of my week. Therefore if I were to see someone they would have to understand that, not constantly challenge it. You see, who I am and the ambitions I have to change the world aren’t going to cease when I become part of a twosome. I see that happening with a lot of people and that’s not my idea of life. When I observe children, they have such a zest and passion for living and expressing new ideas, challenging old ways of getting things down; and, when I observe adults I hear nostalgia. Sorry but no. The time is now. The idealism of youth isn’t an afterthought, it’s a revolution. But I digress. *Sigh* Back to my soapbox. In my own way, I’m operating under those unwritten adult laws: I pay bills, I make schedules, I complain about gas/taxes (yet I have yet to write one letter to my representatives in congress), I do the day to day stuff barely finding time to just dream and see the world from a perspective of beauty and passion and opportunity. But the one place for me where I find the most idealism outside of the political arena is relationships.

When I talk of idealism concerning relationships, I’m not talking about Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White and Happily ever after. I’m talking about making a difference in the world based on being together. Finding joy and passion within a twosome. Building a bond, a connection that is timeless, not just for this wrinkle in time. If I can’t have a conversation with you that consists of more than just superficiality, how could I build a deep bond with you? If you can’t understand my dreams (as I try hard to understand yours) and work with me (as I work with you) to come together at a time of meaningfulness, then it will never work. If we can’t kiss each other passionately without you thinking it’s leading to other things and pressing for other things, then perhaps we aren’t on the same page. If all I hear from you is sports and sports or how your job sucks, then what will you get in return from me? If every word out of your mouth is sexually related, I will never take you seriously. If you don’t know the value of sending a handwritten card instead of an “I heart you” text message all the time, then you’re really missing the point. If you can’t seem to remember anything I say, then I’m going to assume that you aren’t interested in getting to know me, but rather you just like the “idea” of me. If your time at home consists solely of gaming and your boys, then you should marry them and all get a house together. If your consciousness consists of just 10-second news snippets you heard on Tom Joyner, I will save you the trouble – don’t contact me. If you don’t understand or acknowledge the disparities that exist in America (class, education, career, race, gender, ethnicities) or across the world and you’re just concerned with how “the man” gets you down, then you will inevitably miss a lot of points I will bring up in conversation. If you can’t understand that I don’t want to hang in the house every time we get together but would rather go out – to a movie, to the park, to dinner, to breakfast, to sit outside on the patio and talk, to the coast, to the Dollar Store or flea market to look for bargains, to a concert, to a play, to sit in the car and listen to the radio, to starbucks, to the gym, to the grocery store – then you just don’t get who I am and I just don’t want to be bothered. Gas is high. But creativity is priceless, my friend.

I’ve been reading and listening to a lot of guys and I’m hearing stuff like:

“Ladies, if you can handle a man treating you like a queen, then I’m the man for you.”

“Yeah, I’m a man.”

“No kids, a house, a car, own job: Now what you gotta say?”

“A lot of females say they know what they want, but they don’t”

If I can handle? Did anyone question your manhood? Oh, and because you have no kids, a house, a car, and a job, I’m supposed sing your praises or roll over and let you walk all over me like a rug – Hmmmm I think not. Perhaps females do know what they want, but they find themselves not knowing how to reject you, trying to be nice, instead of kicking you to the curb. *sigh* It’s all just a bit played out. Can you step to me so I can learn something new and exciting? Can you inspire me with your actions, not just your resume? Can you find a new line instead of spitting old game that doesn’t work? Better yet, just be yourself, instead of your representative. Can you see that though I wear pants, I don’t want to be a man? And really and truly, could you stop messing around with women’s emotions and start getting in tune to your own emotions? Can you? Can we? I’m serious.

I say all of this to say, this blog is not intended to pick on men, nor express any bitterness. I’m just highlighting my thoughts and experiences as I’ve moved through singleville. And, I’m discontent by what I see our men and women doing to each other. We are so enveloped in materialism and hedonism until the pure joy of meeting someone and developing a relationship is disintegrating. I’ll end by telling a story:

My favorite dish at the Chinese TakeOut down the street from where I live is Broccoli Shrimp. So one particular day I sat in the takeout waiting for my order to be ready. I watched a couple come in the restaurant. I didn’t know they were a couple at first but I observed them for about 5 minutes. The guy was a bit shorter than the lady. The lady was tall with very distinct acne. I thought about my own battle with acne for years and years when I saw her walk in. She seemed a bit shy, perhaps with some confidence issues. They walked up to the counter and ordered. And I waited to see who would pay. I was curious: Would he pay? Would she pay? Would they go dutch? After being in that position on numerous occasions, the “picking up the tab” anxiety always comes no matter if you’re at Date 1 or Date 100. So, I watched as he reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a $20 to pay for the meal. He looked over at me and I smiled at him and nodded hello just to be friendly. I think he knew I was watching by that point. He was proud to be with this woman on this occasion. I could tell by his body language. Her body language spoke to the fact that she was unsure of many things. But I could tell this was definitely a first date, looking to be between two friends who perhaps wanted more. So a few minutes passed and the couple saunters over to the little machine where you put the quarter in and try to use the joystick to grab one of the stuffed animals inside the glass. So then the guy whips out a quarter and the lady stands awkwardly next to him still a little unsure of everything. A few seconds later he grabs the brown teddy bear, the prize he won from the game, from the little shoot at the bottom of the game station and hands it to her. Her confidence soared in that one gesture. She softly accepted the teddy and smiled widely. She didn’t ask for it. It wasn’t Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t a Prada handbag or a Laptop computer. And the look on her face was priceless. For the night, he was her hero. And they held hands and sat down at an empty table awaiting their meal. Cost of Chinese Food for two: $20. Cost of Game: 25 cents. Romance, giggles, and smiles at the Chinese Takeout: Priceless. Some things money can’t buy. Discover all the ways in which you can make a difference in the life of someone special, even without spending a dime. It’s the simplicity of a 4-hour conversation over a coffee. It’s the mystery of a note from a secret admirer in your mailbox. It’s picking a daisy for a lady while walking through the park or calling just to say hello. It’s the random teddy bear in the Chinese takeout. It’s the invitation to attend an Obama rally together. It’s about humanity. That’s what’s missing. Can’t you feel it?

"We are Madly in Love" - NOT! - Lessons Learned: Plus the Danger of Text Messages.

In my life, last week was truly a lesson about the benefits and challenges of self-control. The stakes are high. And the price we pay for lack of control and lack of restraint is too costly for many to bear. I decided to allow someone into my life who I thought was cool, maybe really cool. And, instead of developing a friendship and spending time together, he displayed a gross lack of self control and ended up putting intense pressure on me to be sexually intimate with him. Day one – I tell him I’m practicing abstinence. Instead of respecting my values, he decides to test me and proceeds to call me ‘selfish’ because I will not give in to his advances. Not to mention the fact that I also let him know upfront that dating is the second to last thing on my mind. *sigh* It’s a quest and a life lesson in restraint and self control that I’m on, and it’s definitely worth the physical sacrifice in pursuit of a higher level of spirituality, faith, and wisdom.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not knocking anyone else’s walk. But I am saying that it’s important to exercise some self control.

As I attended an Easter service Saturday night with my family, I felt extremely tired and conflicted, because I tangled head to head with the devil for 72 hours leading up to Easter (kinda ironic isn’t it). I kept wondering why I was made to feel guilty for walking the path of spiritual and mental transcendence. Why did I feel a need to cut myself off physically from men now at this point? Why couldn’t I give in and share my bed? Did it really make a difference to share my body and connect with someone on that level? Then came the answer that continues to strengthen my resolve – Time and time and time again, sex has not strengthened bonds, but rather it has disconnected people from themselves and the relationships they seek. For some it doesn’t matter what comes; They just want to be physical and they want it now. For others, it’s the thrill of the hunt, the passion, the obsession, the mating call. Once the independent soul is captured, they move on to the next conquest.

My aunt handed me her bible and I began physically turning pages in search of something to heal the mental voices taunting me. It didn’t happen instantaneously because I didn’t let the word come. About 5 minutes later, after I gave up the search and closed the Good book, something prompted me to reopen the Word and it opened immediately to Matthew 7:6-8.

(Amplified)6Do not give that which is holy (the sacred thing) to the dogs, and do not throw your pearls before hogs, lest they trample upon them with their feet and turn and tear you in pieces.

7Keep on asking and it will be given you; keep on seeking and you will find; keep on knocking [reverently] and [the door] will be opened to you.

8For everyone who keeps on asking receives; and he who keeps on seeking finds; and to him who keeps on knocking, [the door] will be opened.

(Contemporary English Version) 6Don't give to dogs what belongs to God. They will only turn and attack you. Don't throw pearls down in front of pigs. They will trample all over them.

7Ask, and you will receive. Search, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened for you. 8Everyone who asks will receive. Everyone who searches will find. And the door will be opened for everyone who knocks.

Those verses speak plainly for themselves. Stop sharing the fruits of your life with people who are undeserving. Because they will pull you downward to their level instead of raising you upward. If a person can’t respect your walk and your personal truths, and values, then you should shake off the dust and move forward. Perhaps by your setting an example of excellence, they will be forever changed. Never compromise who you are in the name of “trying to be liked or loved” or accepted. Find strength and control in the knowledge that you are worthy. If you want a lifetime mate, stop tipping around the pig sty or kennel in search of a lifetime mate. Honestly, pigs, dogs, and humans do not speak the same language. Instead, ask the highest of the high for what you want and it will come. I’m no religious zealot, but I take comfort in God’s arms, getting spiritually lifted. It’s tough out here.

And speaking of tough, what happens when you go messing around the cherry tree – broken families, potential job loss, money problems, court cases, STDs, emotional anguish, and loss of all of the persons, places and things you hold near and dear. That idea got me thinking about the Detroit mayor. So I decided to write him a letter.

To Mayor Kilpatrick,

I know you’re a great leader, but there are high expectations and responsibilities for those in power. What example have you set for our young men and women? The divorce rate is spiraling out of control. Most children out there are products of broken homes and disenchanting situations. Our people need clear examples of leaders doing the right things. You aren’t ‘just a man’ whose inconsistencies should be swept under the table because of your gender; you lead millions of people and that’s the standard you must be held to each day. The people of Detroit voted you into office, an office you led with public fervor and private fallacy. And in the end, how will you now be remembered? As the mayor who could have been great, taking his place at the table of positive change? Or as the man who compromised it all, including his family, position, and reputation, because he was ‘madly in love’ with one of his top aides who was also married at the time? The questions remain. The damage is done. Mistakes have been made. But in the end – how you handle yourself within the trials of your life shows the true measure and character of you, the public official and the man. From the lens under which I view you, your measure and character have yet to be determined from this calamity. The jury’s still deliberating. My heart goes out to your family.

Signed,

A concerned blogger fighting against injustice

Detroit mayor charged with perjury

Kilpatrick says he will be exonerated

The Associated Press

updated 1:54 p.m. ET, Mon., March. 24, 2008

Oh NO He Didn't...

As March entered the picture, I began to get really comfortable in my singleness. The combination of work, school, and preparing for different future goals, kept me busy and afloat. But someone decided to let the air out of my tires. I was floating and then POP. At a moment where I was most vulnerable (Re: Iwantamanitis), I allowed myself to get caught up in the emotion of meeting someone new and exciting. I'm not going to bore you with the sordid details of the clandestine affair, but all I can say is that I'm human. I'm only human. My triumph is still holding on to the values I came into this process with as well as my abstinence which is sacred to me at this juncture in the road. Will I see that man again? I hope I can be strong enough to walk away and continue on the path I've chosen, not because I'm stubborn, but because its the right thing to do.

Iwantamanitis (look it up)

It's been a while since I've written on this blog. Blogs do evolve don't they. I started off saying that I would write here once a day, but that's a tough order to adhere to considering many different variables. It's not that I didn't have anything to say but rather, sometimes when there's much to say, it is better to say nothing and ponder thoughts carefully, which is precisely what I've done. Spring fever is in the air, and I've caught a whiff of it. I suddenly caught a case of the Iwantamanitis. Terrible thing, that itis. Gets you in a pure ruckus to the point where you start to wonder if you are indeed sane. I dismissed the sickness as a passing phase but then when I looked at my actions I realized that I needed to explore the Iwantamanitis if I wanted to tame it and not become a disciple to it (that would be a tragedy). So instead of searching for an outward answer to my itis, I looked inside and realized through trial and error that I am at that stage of real, sincere, and honest growth. Instead of dismissing the itis I chose to acknowledge my own humanity. If life is truly about our relationships with one another, then perhaps I would be remiss not to openly admit that I would love to meet someone amazing. The desire is there, the want is there, and my mind, body, and spirit is acknowledging that. The moral of the story is this... when you feel this way, sometimes its better to do nothing but go inward and explore. When we go outside search of quick answers we usually find ultimately painful ends. I might be in the midst of iwantamanitis, but I am firmly, deeply rooted in my resolve to do nothing outside of looking inward.

A New Earth... We need it!

So February was a trying month for me. It wasn't hard being single in February, rather it was hard staying well. Sickness kept its hold on me all month literally! So you weren't going to hear from me much. But here we are in a new month, ready to take over the world with a new consciousness. This month I'm excited because I'm taking part in a new course on Oprah.com (its free). The course is on the book, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. I encourage you all to read it when you have the chance and if you aren't doing anything Mondays at 9p.m. check out the class - live each monday at 9p.m. - taught by Oprah and the book's author Eckhart Tolle. Totally empowering. I'm loving everything on the empowerment tip. Changing the world and being an inspiration to others never goes out of style.

I firmly believe that uncovering life's purpose is important for every individual. Spend time finding yourself and understanding the world and your own spirituality and how it relates to the global community. We truly are a global community, not isolated... Yes you can make a difference.