An article from singleedition.com:
Married v. Single: How Women’s Relationships Change When Their Marital Status Changes
by Nicole Glassman
They march with their heads held high, radiant and confident. They feel safe and secure, fulfilled and energetic. They know they have something women only dream of. They belong to an exclusive club, by invitation only, a sorority for adults. They wear matching rings, their friends throw them massive parties, and they have a permanent date to all events.
These women are married, joyful and satisfied. Right?
If you are single you might think so. But the membership can change their home, their name, their families and possibly their friendships. They tend to associate with women “more like them,” leaving their old friendships behind in a cloud of resentment. What if married women felt just as much pressure as their single counter parts? What if they miss their old friendships, their support system? Could they be just as lonely?
Many of my friends and clients come to me because they are single, in their thirties, and stressed out from societal pressures. They may have a fabulous career, and great single friends, but they are frustrated by the unavoidable changes that have taken place in their lives. They may feel stuck and painfully aware of the impending timeline of their own life plan. Oftentimes they are resentful of the “ease” of their married friend’s lives and more importantly, they feel they have lost these friends to husbands and babies. These single women feel they need to meet a whole new group of friends because the only quality time they spend with their married friends involves an email or an instant message, or better yet, a wedding or baby shower. Although this dismal perspective is common, my dinner conversation with my friend left with me many unanswered questions.The one question that many women ask is where do I fit in? Women are accustomed to forming bonds with friends on common ground. We spend years of our lives forging friendships in school yards and college campuses, when we are all at that same place in life. But as life evolves, changes occur and those bonds of friendship become fragile. When friends become wives and mothers, many single women feel like they have been cast aside. But this is just one perspective and every story has two sides. Ironically these social transformations are affecting women on both sides of the fence.
I took a poll of my married and single friends to shed some light on the topic of friendship after marriage and how each group views the other.
Many of my married friends view today’s single woman as “free.” They believe she can make independent choices without having to consult with a partner on financial issues, vacations, or daily activities. In addition, they look at their single friends with admiration because they have not settled and they have not given up hope.
In terms of friendships after marriage, the answers were divided. While some say have resorted to “e friendships” due to lack of time, others are depressed because their single friends no longer call them. They wish they could spend more time with their single friends but they say they are rarely invited. One married friend, Susan, says, “Now that I am married my single friends act like I am no longer allowed to be upset about my job, or frustrated with my body. I am never allowed to complain because I am married. My marriage should be enough. Plus my single friends never call me anymore because they assume I am out with my husband and that I am in bed by 9.”
My single friends had a different perspective. They say they often feel inadequate because they think their married friends view them as being too picky. They feel their married friends would rather associate with other couples and they feel that the weekends are probably reserved for their spouse. Ironically the single women envy their married friends for having a “permanent date” for weddings, while the married women moan about the number of events they have to attend for their husband’s friends.
The results of my survey gave me newfound hope. Single and married women can repair these relationships because there is an unexpressed truth and a hidden insecurity at the root of this division. Here are some tips for single and married women to reclaim their friendships and bridge the marital status gap:
1-COMMUNICATE. Invite your friend for dinner or sit down in a place where you can really talk. Women are famous for the gift of gab so why be silent when it really counts? Sit your friend down and first tell her how much you love and miss her. No one needs to feel attacked, so first focus on all of the qualities you love about her and your friendship.
2-ADMIT TO YOUR OWN INSECURITIES. Oftentimes we are our own worst critic. I guarantee that your friend wants you to be happy and is not criticizing you for being single.
3. EXPRESS YOUR NEEDS. If you hate that your friendship has resorted to emails and sporadic calls from the car, tell her. If you feel you need to spend more time together, tell her. See if you can set up a weekly catch up time. Even if it’s just 20 minutes of uninterrupted time, it will put value on your relationship once again.
4. ASK HER WHAT YOU CAN DO. Maybe she wants to be invited out with your single friends, or have a girl’s night once in a while. See if there is something you can do to make her feel included. You won’t know until you ask.
5. VOW TO NEVER LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN. Just like any relationship friendships can also be hard work. But the comfort a friend can provides is more valuable than anything else.
2 comments:
I really enjoyed this post - very thoughtful, fair, and honest. Thank you particularly for sharing the cited article!
I'm single. Where I live, commutes are long and couples/families don't often get a lot of time together. I tend to e-mail rather than call, not because I don't care or I value the frienship any less, but because I don't want to interrupt a couple's time alone or wake up their kid just as they're trying to get the kid to sleep. I respect them, their marriage and/or family too much to impose on them.
I have reasonable expectations of the changes in the amount of time they're going to spend with me. And that our activities are going to change to ones more family oriented. As a result, I've kept most of my married/parent friends.
However, recently another friend and I were disinvited from a restaurant dinner because we're not part of couples. One couple wanted a couples only night & neglected to tell the other couple who had mentioned it to us with tentative plans for all of us to meet up. But after checking back with the other couple we were informed it's couples only.
Ah yes, we're good enough to spend money on weddings, bridal showers, taking them out before their weddings and presents for their kids, but we're not good enough to have dinner with. Too bad we didn't know that BEFORE we spent all of that money.
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