Travel Tuesdays

Tuesdays... are for traveling... So let's travel away in our minds... Perhaps that will help me get over this sore throat! Or maybe I just need a one way ticket to Barbados for the rest of the winter and some of the spring.

Computer Lust... Not amounting to much...

Nearly a third of women who posted online personals had sex on the first date, and 43 percent of them didn't use a condom, finds a survey in Sexuality Research and Social Policy. I tried dating online and I'll be the first to admit, people are looser with their bodies and their tongues online. You can be whoever you want online. But, this statistic bothers me on so many levels. The desperation and loneliness drives so many people to do self-destructive things. When you meet someone online or otherwise, you have a responsibility to yourself, to the person you are and wanna be to get to know who you're dealing with. In my opinion, that doesn't mean swapping fluids, that means doing time getting to know that person on a deeper level than the physical. Now online, we get to know the person many times before we get to know them. Feelings are involved initially. When you get home, you can't wait to talk to the person or chat with them. Haven't even met the person yet. And then when you finally meet there's such a firestorm of emotions until many times (via the statistic) it culminates into a physical manifestation of all those pent-up emotions. But how sad to go out like that. Particularly when you get intimate with an online lover you've met in person for the first time. Many times, the fairy tale ends and reality sets in. Perhaps you didn't have as much in common as you thought. Perhaps the person wasn't who they claimed to be. And not using protection, well thats just ______ (you fill in the blanks). I think that meeting the one is not supposed to be an easy, snap of the finger process... It comes when you're ready... And many times, we fool ourselves into thinking we're ready when we aren't near ready. But, the fact remains, this statistic is indicative of a larger problem. Singles- don't be desperate; be decisive and defiant. And if you are out there doing things, wrap it up please.

Where in the heck did Joy go?

Have you ever just had a day where you're like "what the heck am I doing?" "what's going on here?" "am I a martian from another planet?"! I swear that's my day today. I do not feel at home in my own body... As far as I know there's no full moon... yet I feel like a werewolf. Have you seen me? If you see me, tell me to get back to me as soon as possible!

Ahhh what the heck... I'll just watch the red carpet/Oscars tonight and feed off celebrity calamities... Perhaps that'll bring me back to reality. On second thought... that'll take me further from reality.

"Life is Easier with a Mate" and other neatly packaged statements designed to urge dutiful compliance with social norms.

My professor mentioned in class Tuesday that life is easier with a
mate. I disagree. Life is what you make it. Easy or hard: You get
back what you put in. But let's suppose for a moment that life is
harder for me because I am mate-less. Take this assumption and walk
with me for a moment. Taking the tough road is not for the faint at
heart. When I have a problem with my car or apartment, I usually have
to take off work to get it fixed. That cuts into my vacation time
and/or sick leave time. When I buy groceries I have to lug all the
heavy groceries upstairs myself. No help. Moving is a chore as well
and I'm not even going to go there. When I come home, I come home
alone; I cook alone. There is no one there to tell me I've done a
great job on my cooking (though its wonderful I might add). When the
tub gets dirty or the dishes need to be washing, I do it because it
has to be done. I eat alone, sometimes with the TV, sometimes at the
table, sometimes over the stove, sometimes while chatting about my day
on the phone. I go to sleep alone. One half of my bed has not been
touched. It stays perpetually made with tons of pillows and that's
oddly how I like it. I wake up alone. No smells of coffee waiting
on me, though I guess I could program my coffee maker to have that
Starbucks scent fill my apartment at 6:10a.m. When I need to advocate
for something, I use my own voice, not the voice of someone around me.
There's rarely anyone else around for me to bounce ideas off of,
unless I call my mom or a friend. I am comfortable with my own voice.
Regardless, I stand or fall with my own convictions and paradigms.
There is one voice, and that's mine.

I hear endless stories about people's kids, dogs, and significant
others and I must admit sometimes the dog takes precedence over the
latter. And I listen intently while I think about my life. I don't
have to go home and take care of a husband or help kids with homework.
I don't have to let the dog out at 5p.m. I don't have a story about
how great my kid is at math or how I chewed a teacher out at
parent/teacher conferences. I spent my hard earned money on a red
Swiss Love watch for Valentines and stayed in bed most of last week
sick. Had it not been for my mother who took off on Friday to help
take care of me, my plants, and my apartment I would have been alone,
nursing myself back to health. So I guess looking at my life under
the lens of the toughness without a mate, its hard. But under that
same guise my life is also uncomplicated. I don't have drama in my
home, only peace. I buy food and clothes for one, and I eat and wear
exactly what I like without question. Life toughens me, and my steely
resolve comes from spending now virtually a handful of years living on
my own. If something goes down I know what to do, I know where to go
and I have no trouble blazing a trail on my own. I have the freedom
to just be in whatever way I want to be and that's a blessing. My
steely resolve comes from rolling with a lot of punches and taking a
few punches here and there. So taking the proclaimed "tough" road is
not for the faint at heart. But actually, it's not so tough. No one
ever gets anywhere taking the easy road. So to my professor and
countless others who nodded their heads that life is easier with a
mate: Life is what you make it. I don't look at the other side and
say the grass is greener and flowing with milk and honey. I look at
the other side and say "It's quite sunny and clear over here" as I
drink my drama-free emancipated martini – shaken not stirred with
three olives. Checkmate.

I'll Leave the Drama for the Celebs

I'm a recovering drama queen.

But now that I'm a bit older and wiser and semi-settled, life has really calmed down tremendously. But, I'm just going to have to call some people out and relinquish my non-judgmental tone for the blog. I'm wondering, what is wrong with people? I want a wear a sign that says "Do NOT Cross this Line!"... Frankly, I'm tired of being around the drama-filled masses. Why do everyday people take their cues on life from dysfunctional celebs? Have you noticed how much drama you've seen amidst people in your lives everyday? I think its the reality TV or maybe its just that people every where are getting in touch with their emotions. Men. Women. Children. Computers. IPods. It's like the hyperemotional revolution around here. I can't breathe I see so much expression and thats abnormal for me because I am expressive. But what I'm noticing is that the more emotion I see expressed everyday, the less long-term commitment. The long-term commitment people step into for the long haul is essentially a long-term investment in themselves. Which means one thing, they can afford to get emotionally and physically hyper because they took a long term investment in self and no investment in anything or anyone else.

Make no mistake, its important to invest in self, but its even more important to be good to self AND be good to others. IF I were to date right now, that would be important. IF I were to make a new friend, that would be critical. Because what I see is a lot of people acting as if they just wrote a best-selling novel, finished a top-grossing movie and reality TV show, and did two tapings with Oprah - The world revolves around them (no wonder our environment, economy, and healthcare is substandard). If it doesn't have to do with them, they don't want to deal with it.

I just want to say tonight, the world doesn't revolve around me because I'm single. People ASSume I think the world revolves around me because I don't have a mate, I don't have kids, I don't have a dog. They think I'm selfish and self-absorbed because I'm just me. I'm just here enjoying my life. Don't belittle my life because I'm making the choice to be all that I can be before I make a commitment to another person. So, beware, the world doesn't revolve around me because I'm single. Because I'm single, I revolve around the world doing my best to make sure that I leave this place a little better than I found it. And I challenge the rest of you to make the same commitment! Leave the Drama on TV where it belongs.

Thoughts on V-Day...

Valentine's Day came and went quietly for me. I spent the week for the most part in serious pain and the later part of the week in bed trying to get well. Of course I would end up weak, sick and tired on one of the most romantic days of the year... but oddly enough, it didn't matter. Life moves on. I sincerely hope that everyday can be a kind of Valentine's Day where for a moment we stop and think about the ones who really matter to us. Honoring special people. That's the true meaning of the holiday... That's the joy of life...

Travel Tuesdays - Fitness First!

Two weeks ago I started Travel Tuesdays... Well this week more than ever I'm convinced that travel should go hand-in-hand with fitness. And I'm not just saying that because I'm going to begin training for 5ks, 10ks and then hopefully triathlons - I'm saying that because more then ever, fitness is important along with traveling for pleasure. So this week is all about travel and fitness... married together in a great love affair. Gotta face it - travel is great; fitness is great. But together they are phenomenal...

The Reggae Marathon & Half Marathon - http://www.reggaemarathon.com/
December 6, 2008.
Negril Jamaica - Need I say more. Sun and Fun in Winter in Jamaica. Hot, fit bodies running for their lives... Interested? You have 297 days to train.

Women Listen Up... Are you an Irongirl?
Travel to 10 cities and compete in Triathlons, Duathlons, and 10ks...
www.irongirl.com
**Also participate and raise money for a great cause... The Ulman Cancer Fund for Young Adults.

Detoxification and Renewal at Red Mountain Spa - Utah
http://www.redmountainspa.com/_calendar_events/Detox2008.html

The award-winning program to cleanse the body, mind and spirit in the healing red rock environment.

Program includes:

• (1)Detoxifying Body Wrap
• (1)Personal Nutrition Consultation
• (1)Lymphatic Drainage Treatment
• (1)Acupuncture Session
• (1)METAbeat Consultation
• Daily Detoxifying Ultraclear® Smoothies
• Nutritional products to complete a full 28 day detox
• Detoxification Yoga Workshop
• Detoxification Cooking Class
• Mindful Dining Event
• Sprayology City Life Detoxer
• Healthy lifestyle lectures provided by our team of health & wellness professionals
• Welcome Gift
• Stylish Deluxe Accommodations
• Healthy Gourmet Cuisine - Three Meals Daily
• Complimentary Bike Rental
• Complimentary In-Room High Speed Internet Service
• Unlimited Fitness Classes including Yoga, Pilates, Chi Ball, Boot Camp and more
• Cooking Demonstrations & Nutrition Classes
• Healthy Living Classes & Events
• Full Use of Resort Facilities including: Indoor and Seasonal Outdoor Pools, Whirlpools, Walking Trails, Strength Training, and Cybex™ Cardio Equipment

Upcoming 2008 Dates
March 2 - 9 April 6 - 13 May 4 - 11 June 8 - 15 July 6 - 13	August 3 - 10 September 7 - 14 October 5 - 12 November 2 - 9 December 7 - 14

Ever thought about running a marathon in darkness... Jesolo & Cavallino International Night Marathon and Half Marathon... in Italy....
http://www.nightmarathon.it/eng/tracciatoMezza.asp

Hike the Grand Canyon??
http://www.theworldoutdoors.com/trips/grandcanyonhiker.html

And in your town/city and across the nation you can get involved in any of your favorite charities and run/walk/volunteer and get involved in changing this nation and the world!

So travel on... Snowboard, hike, ski, swim, kayak, just jump aboard! Get fired up!

Know When to Hold, and When to Fold...

And then there are the moments in which you realize that sometimes its just not easy being single. Sometimes you begin to develop feelings for someone which aren't just platonic and you have to ask yourself a couple of questions:

1. Are these feelings that will dissipate in a few weeks?
2. Are these leftover feelings from a previous relationship?
3. Why is this happening now?
4. What can I learn from this?
5. Is this something I can afford emotionally?

Starting with question 1 - The maximum time I try to give someone new, anyone new, coming into my life is about 90 days. In my mind, I can tell if the relationship is meant for a season or longer after about 3 months of contact with someone. If you give feelings time to saturate, as I try to do, I find that the superficial ones dissipate pretty quickly, the deeper more intrinsic feelings make me pay serious attention to my thoughts and behaviors rather than acting impulsively.

Question 2 - Sometimes leftover feelings haunt us particularly when we meet new people. We have to be firmly aware of that as we move throughout life and I'm constantly telling myself that. Freud called it transference when we project our feelings about someone else onto a neutral person, sometimes unconsciously. Cutting cords is so important so that we enter new relationships free of weighty baggage.

Many times question 3 is tough to answer. When we ask why, the answers are often more questions, less finite answers. If something is happening, if you've met someone great, then it was meant to happen at that particular time, in that particular place, for that particular moment. How far it goes, no one knows. But what is clear is that you have control over your part. You are not a product of the relationship. The relationship does not define you, rather you set the parameters.

Question 4- Learning is key. Every person who enters our life is influential in some way. There's something to learn, some message to grasp. It's up to us to pay attention so we don't miss the message.

Question 5 - Making investments isn't easy. Can you afford a relationship emotionally? Many times we think of the physical but the emotional is important, more important in my eyes. All of the risktakers would say yes to affording a relationship emotionally... Jumping in eyes wide shut. But as investors on wall street learned the past year... aggressive stocks aren't paying out aggressively... long term investment yields better results. Can you afford to spend time understanding and constructively displaying your feelings and asking yourself the hard questions if it means better relationships with yourself and others?

You may wonder why I am posing these questions...
These are the questions that I'm asking myself. And they yield more questions... Being single isn't easy. But I damn sure feel conflicted in some areas and its my first real challenge since declaring my singleness at the beginning of the year. To be sure, I'll be grappling with these questions for another few months... Goodnight.

Oooops I Fell Into Love!

I think I may have picked the best year in the world to be single.  Haven't you noticed?  2008 is just turning out to be the little engine that could.  Choo Choo.  Tax rebates. A landmark election. New workout crazes.  Lovely eye candy.  Intense debates.  Assaults on global warming, poverty, and AIDS.  I feel like I'm in the middle of a firestorm and I'm excited.  People are finally waking up after almost a decade of fear and uncertainty and finding the joy in living. 

 

Last night I had an interesting discussion about "falling into" and "falling out" of love.  Precisely the reason I didn't blog last night was because I was entrenched in pushing my viewpoint that love is not something you fall into.  Rather it is a lifestyle.  We use the phrase "I fell in love" as if we slipped in a puddle of water and fell to our butts.  Falling in love shouldn't be like the slippery slope.  Love is a lifestyle.  The reason that 1 in 2 marriages in this country ends in divorce is because people are falling versus climbing, stepping, jumping, leaping into living love.  And I don't know about you, but thats a pretty daunting statistic.  I will not become a statistic.  The old cliche "well it was fun while it lasted" does nothing for me.  How can you love someone with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and spirit, one day... and then walk away the next?  And that's what I discussed last night.  If love is a lifestyle in which you make a commitment to another person, honor that.  There's going to be fights and moments where you don't want to be there, moments where you'd rather be anywhere else, moments that are so bad that you wonder if you made the right decision - but you've lived to tell the tale.  I've personally been through enough in my life that I can honestly say that I've made it through a few storms and lived to fight another day.  What is it about love that makes people throw up their hands and walk away and move on to the next instant gratifying emotion with another person?  Perhaps its because their love was based upon the "falling on your butt" phenomenon - and then finally they got up off the floor only to do it again and again - There are some sore butt bones in the world today. 

 

Perhaps its not love that is the problem; perhaps its humanity, personality and psychosis.  Love in its purest form is eternal, everlasting, unconditional, unstoppable.  But inside human nature is Freud's ID always knawing away telling us "you can do better" "if you don't feel good, move on to the next thing that makes you feel good".  So therefore when you combine the purest form of love with human nature's slant on reality - you get "falling into love"... a warped version of reality which bred the statistic that 50% of all first marriages end in divorce.  So now that I've examined it a bit, I see that love within itself is not the problem, but the solution.  It's the answer to human nature. It's a lifestyle, not a spur of the moment feeling or emotion.  Love is freeing.  I've never experienced that. 

 

And if I ever do experience love as an emancipated lifestyle with another human being, and not just with my spiritual Father, then at that time I'm going to stand in front of my family and friends and say "I do."  Bling Bling.

 

Yes You Can... Yes I Can... Yes WE Can.

Yes we can in my own "as a single" words...

Yes we can experience a world where singles can live freely and meaningfully without pressure.
Yes we can go to the grocery store and buy enough for us and the homeless family on the street.
Yes we can paint a new picture of the ideal American lifestyle.
Yes we can prosper under a tax system meant to disadvantage those who are single.
Yes we can change the course of this great Nation as one person, one voice.
Yes we can negotiate the story of our own lives without the words of others.
Yes we can go to the movies alone and enjoy ourselves.
Yes we can enjoy a night out on the town without a significant other.
Yes we can as a single person adopt or foster children who need homes.
Yes we can lead at work, at home, at schools because we are the backbone we need.
Yes we can experience life going 180 or 15 miles per hour.
Yes we can be anything we want to be regardless of age, sex, gender, race, marital status.
Yes we can live our dreams without interference from those who think they know our path.
Yes we can make the choices that matter to us.
Yes we can make the change that will matter to all.
Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!

Thong-a, Thong-a, THONG!

Who says you can't have fun as a single...

My friend in beautiful Barbados - Kiki, a handsome and cheeky chap I must say - was my inspiration in writing this particular blog today. About two weeks ago, he and I placed a bet. I told him that the Giants would win the SuperBowl, and of course, because the Patriots had a perfect season so far, he went with the Pats (bad move). Well the coveted prize was not money, but THONGS. Well... um, to make the long story short... I have never bought a man a thong and I didn't EVER want to do that though my curiosity as to why he wanted a thong (maybe its an island man thing) as well as where I could possibly get one for him was churning. And, as I watched the game I was praying hard that I would not have to buy that thong! He later admitted, he never thought he'd lose the bet - but he's probably secretly glad he did. And so the Giants won out (one of the most fantabulous wins in Superbowl History)... and I have a red thong on the way to my house probably as I'm writing this blog.

I love the fact that when I'm right, I'm soooooo right. Another piece of fine underwear to add to my collection. And the great thing about it is... I don't have nice undies to please a man... I have nice undies for me... Don't get it twisted.

Why did my Married Friends Discard Me?

I thought this was a rather interesting way to start off the week. Many people have experienced the dissolution of friendships when one friend gets married. But the question is why? Why do we have to give up a significant part of who we are when we get married? Those friendships were important long before the match, so why discard your friendships once you find your soulmate? Truth be told, having positive friendships outside of the marriage can help you inside of the marriage. And likewise, for singles, having married friends who are positive and upbeat can brighten and lighten what appears to be a grim disposition coming from some singles. As we are becoming an increasingly isolated society, it is important to hold on to every bit of positive connection you have with people.... Read on...

An article from singleedition.com:

Married v. Single: How Women’s Relationships Change When Their Marital Status Changes

by Nicole Glassman

They march with their heads held high, radiant and confident. They feel safe and secure, fulfilled and energetic. They know they have something women only dream of. They belong to an exclusive club, by invitation only, a sorority for adults. They wear matching rings, their friends throw them massive parties, and they have a permanent date to all events.

These women are married, joyful and satisfied. Right?

If you are single you might think so. But the membership can change their home, their name, their families and possibly their friendships. They tend to associate with women “more like them,” leaving their old friendships behind in a cloud of resentment. What if married women felt just as much pressure as their single counter parts? What if they miss their old friendships, their support system? Could they be just as lonely?

Many of my friends and clients come to me because they are single, in their thirties, and stressed out from societal pressures. They may have a fabulous career, and great single friends, but they are frustrated by the unavoidable changes that have taken place in their lives. They may feel stuck and painfully aware of the impending timeline of their own life plan. Oftentimes they are resentful of the “ease” of their married friend’s lives and more importantly, they feel they have lost these friends to husbands and babies. These single women feel they need to meet a whole new group of friends because the only quality time they spend with their married friends involves an email or an instant message, or better yet, a wedding or baby shower. Although this dismal perspective is common, my dinner conversation with my friend left with me many unanswered questions.

The one question that many women ask is where do I fit in? Women are accustomed to forming bonds with friends on common ground. We spend years of our lives forging friendships in school yards and college campuses, when we are all at that same place in life. But as life evolves, changes occur and those bonds of friendship become fragile. When friends become wives and mothers, many single women feel like they have been cast aside. But this is just one perspective and every story has two sides. Ironically these social transformations are affecting women on both sides of the fence.

I took a poll of my married and single friends to shed some light on the topic of friendship after marriage and how each group views the other.

Many of my married friends view today’s single woman as “free.” They believe she can make independent choices without having to consult with a partner on financial issues, vacations, or daily activities. In addition, they look at their single friends with admiration because they have not settled and they have not given up hope.

In terms of friendships after marriage, the answers were divided. While some say have resorted to “e friendships” due to lack of time, others are depressed because their single friends no longer call them. They wish they could spend more time with their single friends but they say they are rarely invited. One married friend, Susan, says, “Now that I am married my single friends act like I am no longer allowed to be upset about my job, or frustrated with my body. I am never allowed to complain because I am married. My marriage should be enough. Plus my single friends never call me anymore because they assume I am out with my husband and that I am in bed by 9.”

My single friends had a different perspective. They say they often feel inadequate because they think their married friends view them as being too picky. They feel their married friends would rather associate with other couples and they feel that the weekends are probably reserved for their spouse. Ironically the single women envy their married friends for having a “permanent date” for weddings, while the married women moan about the number of events they have to attend for their husband’s friends.

The results of my survey gave me newfound hope. Single and married women can repair these relationships because there is an unexpressed truth and a hidden insecurity at the root of this division. Here are some tips for single and married women to reclaim their friendships and bridge the marital status gap:

1-COMMUNICATE. Invite your friend for dinner or sit down in a place where you can really talk. Women are famous for the gift of gab so why be silent when it really counts? Sit your friend down and first tell her how much you love and miss her. No one needs to feel attacked, so first focus on all of the qualities you love about her and your friendship.

2-ADMIT TO YOUR OWN INSECURITIES. Oftentimes we are our own worst critic. I guarantee that your friend wants you to be happy and is not criticizing you for being single.

3. EXPRESS YOUR NEEDS. If you hate that your friendship has resorted to emails and sporadic calls from the car, tell her. If you feel you need to spend more time together, tell her. See if you can set up a weekly catch up time. Even if it’s just 20 minutes of uninterrupted time, it will put value on your relationship once again.

4. ASK HER WHAT YOU CAN DO. Maybe she wants to be invited out with your single friends, or have a girl’s night once in a while. See if there is something you can do to make her feel included. You won’t know until you ask.

5. VOW TO NEVER LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN. Just like any relationship friendships can also be hard work. But the comfort a friend can provides is more valuable than anything else.

February 1st - The Beginning of a Landmark Month and Year.

At the beginning of the year I mentioned that 2008 would be landmark. And now February is here. Super Tuesday is in 5 days. And the world is watching our country to see if we can change the course of our history and more towards progress and prosperity. You can change the world. There are so many positive events going on this month. Imagine the shortest month in the year would be the one that is most noteworthy for consciousness raising efforts on many topics.

First, today is National Wear Red Day. Heart Disease is the number one killer of women nationwide.

Celebrate National Wear Red Day—February 1, 2008—a day when Americans nationwide wear red to show their support for women's heart disease awareness.

The Heart Truth—a national awareness campaign for women about heart disease—created and introduced the Red Dress as the national symbol for women and heart disease awareness in 2002 to deliver an urgent wakeup call to American women. The Red Dress reminds women of the need to protect their heart health, and inspires them to take action. National Wear Red Day promotes the symbol and provides an opportunity for everyone to unite in this life-saving awareness movement by showing off a favorite red dress, shirt, or tie, or Red Dress Pin.

Join the National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute; Office on Women's Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services; WomenHeart: the National Coalition for Women with Heart Disease; American Heart Association; and many other groups to promote National Wear Red Day in your local community. Visit the National Wear Red Day online toolkit for free ideas and materials designed to help you spread The Heart Truth.

And of course, February is Black History Month. But the idea is to not only express black facts, but also to look at ways to get involved to improve conditions for people of color and all people of the world starting today.

Did you know that Barack Obama was the first Black president of the Harvard Law Review?